About Farting


                                                    
Let’s accept the fact that farting is natural. There’s nothing to feel shame or embarrassed about it. Farts are of different types – they differ in nature of sound and nature of smell. I am not an expert on farting but I have heard and smelt so much of it, that I can express my views. I believe farts are of four types – I maybe wrong, there maybe more, but as I said, I am not an expert. But yes, I am sure these four types definitely exist.

Musical

People who belong to this category always break wind musically. It’s like as if an orchestra is playing. The sound will create a rhythm, a cadence. There won’t be any smell. No, it’s pure music. I mean if you really pay attention to this type of fart, you can actually write lyrics, so melodic is its sound. Those who fart musically are those who are inclined towards art and music.

Thunderous

Farts that are thunderous are as the name suggests loud and deafening. They boom like cannons used to boom in olden times. People who fart thunderously are generally genial in nature. They are warm-hearted and are full of life. They believe in living their life king-size and hence they believe in farting king-size. So, to make their presence felt, they always let out a loud bellow from their rear end.

Poetic

Very soft, delicate, in fact, so tender is the sound that you can’t even hear it, unless you are a connoisseur of farts. Just like Keats’ ode or Milton’s sonnet, the sound will enrapture you. So, awestruck you’ll be that for a long, long time the ringtone will linger in your memory. The fairer sex mostly toots in this way. Men, seldom.

Poisonous

Farts labelled as poisonous are smelly. The smell is so terrible that the combined smell of rotten eggs, animal puke and bloated dead whale in comparison to it will seem like a whiff of YSL Black Opium. Those who can survive bursts of poisonous farts can survive a nuclear holocaust too. People who pass poisonous gas do so because of food intolerance. They need to watch their diet (lactose and gluten) if they wish to stop producing bad odour flatulence.

-          NZ

14.6.2019


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